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Posts Tagged ‘ptsd’

I have been obsessed with ‘Paint’ recently and have been toying with some projects. Here is a little something i made to help empower myself, and others.

 

PTSD Depression (large)

 

(it is legible upon clicking)

 

 

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Since I am around for a few moments longer, I should add how i have been losing weight. about 100 lbs, now. it doesn’t necessarily feel it, or look it, but… it’s a start.

My bgl is doing better (invokana+metformin= amazing for me). I haven’t really been able to test it because the morons at my pharmacy keep screwing up and are trying to tell me that my refill of testing strips is $125. I should make a doc appt to try to fix that. i have one in march, but i need to reschedule anyway for another matter:

My depression and ptsd have been treating me to huge ups and downs, to the point where i think (and Dr B actually brought this up to me before i told her of my suspicions) bipolar/manic depression is setting in. It’s definitely in my genetics, and even if it’s on the mild side, it wouldn’t surprise me. I have been insomniatic, my thoughts race, i have been more and more productive (and a little obsessive) on some of my projects (both drawing and writing)…

as you know who’s trying to fix me with tough love, never thinking that trauma and chemical imbalances are not that easy *to* fix.

at any rate… if i go out, i try to drink some, if not become fully drunk, because it helps. Might be nice if medical weed became legally available in my state. not the sativa, because that has made my panic and anxiety worse; actually causing me horrific panic attacks. but i like indica strains… they help mellow me out and get in touch a little with my creative side.

so… i guess that’s about it… i mean, what more could there be?

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I understand the need for tough love.

Moreso, i understand the need for tender love… and the sensitivity and big picture quality that comes with it. the understanding that each staircase starts with just one step, that each path is traveled one step at a time. Baby steps, large steps, leaps and bounds… it doesn’t matter as long as there is forward momentum.

Whether you have a map, or a plan or are just winging it. it doesn’t matter. each  journey of 1000 miles can be taken a 1000 different ways, but the end goal is always clear.

and some people have a lot more traveling to do because they have to sit and rest or reexamine their life or their goals. some people become afraid of the dark fairy tale forest and back up a few steps.

I have gone on a tangent there, but the main thing is that i have a friend who tends to shower me with tough love. usually when i am drunk. he thinks it’s just as easy as flipping a switch… um. life isn’t a teleporter. you can’t just wish to be fixed, or better by clicking on the switch, or turn it off when you are tired of feeling. granted, alcohol does help with that last part.

it’s a journey …. and if all you care about is the end result, and seeing that your friends or family are not there yet, despite disabilities, resting, emotional walls…. ptsd, what have you, then you aren’t caring as much as you think you are. you’re trying to control them.

i believe you can give tough love encouragement without breaking people down. without causing them to withdraw even deeper because all they feel is that they aren’t good enough, no matter what they do.

in all, i suppose i am not a tough love kind of girl. not necessarily, anyway. i want people to see that i am working on it, that i am trying my best for my circumstances and past, and i want to be able to see the struggle of others. i want to know that they aren’t just letting themselves sink. i want to give them that life vest, even if they genuinely do want to die; metaphorically or literally.

i want to control my surroundings and my healing/wellness, but i don’t want to control others, or the way that they heal and recover. it’s not a 12 step program.

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Nearly everybody knows that you can’t technically replace the people who have been in and out of our lives. it’s pretty impossible, since everybody is so different.

So, after the breakup with the ex, i never once thought to ‘replace him’. What i thought about instead, was how i could replace the home, the cars, the gaming systems…. how could i get back to the place that i was when i was with him? what could i do to ensure my stability to that end?

there were people in and out of my life at the time that could give me those things, but never once did i think about if i loved them or if they loved me. perhaps it could come in time. but… in this, they were looking for fun. sex. no strings attached. no replacements there.

i was ok with that, but what bothers me now, is why i never wanted to have the love that i thought i had lost. did i think it was impossible? was i too scared of being hurt? why was i being so materialistic when i have never really been materialistic in my life?

then my bf came along… he never promised me cars or a house… but he pursued me…. he lusted after me. he wanted me. even in our first months of pseudo dating, he knew he wanted to be with me.

and while it’s true that he may never be able to ‘replace’ my ex, he’s definitely made a great addition to my life, and has been a better man than my ex ever could have hoped to be.

 

 

*note…. i am not using the term ‘replace’ in a negative way. i am only saying that people cannot be replaced like material possessions can be- you can’t just go to the store and get another nearly exactly like it.  in our lives, we do no strive to replace the awful people with exact replicas (at least we shouldn’t- i know i am guilty of this with the father thing)… we want to ‘replace’ with something better…. it is also to be noted that sometimes there are no replacements at all, and that’s ok.

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a thought has occurred to me over the years. the anxiety and the panic, and the ptsd, comes partly from my fear of being in the way.

my whole life i felt like a burden.. so much so, that when i was 12 i was attempting suicide.

so i suppose, when things ended with the ex, it was the last straw. that’s around when the panic started, at least to the point that it is today.

and everything since then, whether i put myself in the situation or not, has had an effect. something that made me want to try to be as small as possible, at least financially. I don’t wear makeup or regular clothes (night clothes) day to day- special occasions or dates. maybe. if somebody sees me in jeans they’re lucky.

so if i make myself as small as possible, i’m the least burden that i can be.

until it comes to my writing… then i want to be seen. 🙂

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Therapy today went well. I used to have a standing appointment on wednesdays, because i liked the predictability of it. Nowadays, I take what I can get- i hide from therapy, and only make an appointment when i really feel the need-

For example- how you know whose face and voice just shows up in my head whenever he wants. compelling me to be aroused and/or touch myself. wanna talk about sick? that’s sick. (not as sick as him, surely). she told me that was incredibly normal, because at that stage in my life, i was becoming naturally sexually curious (as well as the curious of a probably already sexually abused girl) so i was, biologically, turned on.

like a long-acting, long-release poison pill. it got inside my brain and my body and twisted me up.  it made me so fearful of the idea of children that the guy and i tried for about two months, then quit. (you might have followed the “i might be pregnant” dilemma). i want them, but i don’t want them to suffer. and to be in this life is to suffer, horribly.granted, i am speaking from a malnourished perspective. i just think about all the predators that are undoubtedly out there, and no matter how well i try to prepare my kids, it can still happen to them. they can get raped, kidnapped, killed…. that’s not just ‘criminal minds’ talking. that’s reality. not to mention that i don’t want to be that mom who turns into super overprotective bitch mode when she sees her daughter hugging a man she likes/loves. platonically. fatherly.

the one who starts blaming the child for her very natural behavior. “Get away from him you little slut!” accusing that she is leading him on.

i don’t want to be that, but i desperately want to protect her. i don’t know how to do that; i didn’t ask to be born into this life, and he/she won’t have either.

it’s little consolation to know that her life would be better than mine, because it feels the risks are too risky.

on another note, as dr b is prone to do, i was more validated today. not that the guy doesn’t validate me, but let’s face it, he’s a bit of a smart ass and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he is joking or not.

dr b told me that something in me, in my life and childhood, made me decide that i wanted to fight. to be a survivor, and to make sure i was not the cause of anybody else’s pain; at least the kind of pain i suffered. I’m usually quick to apologize if i am being bitchy or if i play-slap too hard. i try not to condescend, but i know we are all guilty of that. i try not to use people, or abuse their presence in my life.

she even said how when i first started coming to see her, she was amazed at how much of a “phenomenon” i was. because of my background, statistically speaking, i should have ended up in a gutter. Drugs, alcohol, rape, prostitution…. killing.

and that, apparently, really surprised her. that’s kinda my shining moment of the day.

last thing….

i have been noticing, that there seems to be a bit of a trend on facebook to only validate and appreciate positive things in a person’s life/statuses.

everybody wants to support my losing weight, or lowering my blood sugar, but who is there when i am throwing up randomly at 5am? (other than bf). nobody. nobody even told me they hoped i feel better, or asked what was wrong (not that i knew).

so what’s the deal with that?

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FB Post

 

“just another venting; no accusations.

the problem with men is that they don’t focus on the issue; i say that i feel uncomfortable and don’t like that he is hangs out with a female ‘work friend’ more than he does me, and he says “i’m not gonna stop hanging out with her” i never asked him to stop, i just brought it to his attention that it was more than with me. when you spend 1/4 of your day with your girlfriend/fiance, only sleeping and eating, gaming, another 1/4 (or so) doing work stuff, and the rest of the time with another girl? no matter her age, looks or attractions? i see that as a problem. it doesn’t fix it to try to split your time. that looks even worse. i’ve seen the symptoms before; don’t make me live through that again.

also, don’t try to buy me off with jewelry >< that’s tacky. and suspicious as fuck.

however, feel free to buy me pretty sparkly jewelry just for the hell of it.”

 

rationally i understand that he’s hanging out with this work chick for work advice, or so that he can smoke inside and avoid the heat/humidity.

but when he continues to get so defensive over her, and keeps spending so much time with her like he does, it never makes me feel any better. i don’t know what is going on with him lately.

he also seems to think that i want him dead just so i can get his life insurance. WTF is that about? have i EVER seemed that fucking shallow? granted, there was one time we were in a fight and i said, as he was slamming out of the house, “i hope you crash!” but that was the one and only time i have ever said it and i felt horrible for it.

so where the hell is he getting these ideas?

why does it feel like he is avoiding me like the plague?

i have a friend i vent to once in a while, who seems to think i am in a verbally abusive relationship, because the defense mechanism the guy resorts to ends up making me feel like crying, if not making me cry outright.

i spent like 20 minutes crying the other night because i don’t know where this relationship is headed… i know we both want it to head towards a mutual future with children, maybe.

but i’m too old to be feeling jealousy like a goddamn school girl. if he doesn’t want me to think he is being suspicious, it seems like he would make more of an effort to prevent it. i can only do so much; i can’t believe him on my own. if he gives me reason to be suspicious, it seems moronic to just ignore it.

i also admit i have issues of my own- i saw a lot of the same behaviors in my ex before things ended…. i kinda ignored them… look what happened? things fell apart, and i still have no idea why. i know i wasn’t perfect, but he still never gave me any closure over it. i cried myself to sleep for months before it actually ended, and then for months afterwards.

the guy has never made me cry in our whole relationship as he has in these last few months.

he keeps saying if i just came up and hung out with him and the girl i would see i was worried about nothing. that’s not really the point. the point is, he is hanging around with another woman more than he is with me. this is his approximate schedule:

 

sleep, wakes up around 2-3, games or watches stuff with me til around 4:30/5, when he takes his shower for work…. in the office from 6-8, then with her from 8-?; i have literally been able to watch a full season of a show, or 2-3 movies, in the time he is with her. yes, in that time he is also working, but who does he go back to? her. not here. sometimes he is back around 10ish to eat, but then he is out again to do work around 10:15, then i don’t see him sometimes til 12-1a. not because he was working necessarily, but because i recently found out he’s been upstairs with that goddamn woman. i had been under the assumption that she went to bed early. because that’s what he told me. apparently not always. then, by the time he gets back, i am pretty much ready for sleep. know why? cause he spent all of my fucking goddamn awake time with her. not that it would make it any better for him to do it while i’m sleeping. which he does, at times.

if he wakes up any earlier than 2-3p, he goes into the office, then goes upstairs to her room- sometimes i am awake, sometimes i am not. when he is done up there, it’s usually in enough time for him to come down and take a shower to get ready for work… 6-8…. and the process starts all over.

now, here are some other facts, that i know should make me feel at ease, but don’t. she is 52, meth-mouthy, a smoker, has like 3 grown children…. these issues don’t make me feel any better. after all, he likes older women and wants kids. not to mention he has a bit of a fantasy about black women.

i have nothing against their friendship and i have nothing against the woman, personally. i have an issue with him spending more than half of every day with her. what he told me recently was that he was going to try to even up the time a little more. that he was going to try to make the time lean more in my direction.

EVERY DAY. if he really views this woman as a mother figure, why is he spending so much time with her? enough to make me jealous?

i’m too old and too tired for this kind of shit.

the only time i ever told him to stop hanging around somebody was when i witnessed, first hand, the abuse of a woman by one of his friends.

and i am not telling him to do that now- because i don’t see any reason for them not to be friends.

the point, as i wish to just drive home right now, is that he spends more time with her than he does his own fiance, then tries to distract me from the issue with the idea of jewelry.

if that doesn’t sound like the most suspicious thing at all, i don’t know what does.

 

ps, though- i’ll take the jewelry if it’s “just because” …. otherwise, i’m going to know/feel he is only doing it because he feels guilty for something.

 

 

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