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Posts Tagged ‘adoption’

I started a secret group with some friends on facebook to help and support anybody suffering from mental illnesses (of course it’s open to caregivers and other supporters), but as the days have gone on, I have realized that I am more than ready to support somebody else…. as long as i don’t have to tell my own story at the same time.

 

it seems like a slightly hypocritical thing to do. Granted, i do not expect them to tell their stories, or even their diagnoses … EVER, if they don’t want to or feel like it… but… as the ‘leader’ it seems that i should be able to let go and tell all. But i can’t. i have a feeling of dread and nausea when i think about it. Though this group is intended to keep us from those who might judge us, i still feel that i might be judged. that people might say “why did you ‘let’ these things happen to you” …. i mean, truly, after a certain amount of time, there is very little fight left. because when you fight back, things get worse. it’s easier to let things happen as they are.

 

What is it they say? it’s easier to raise a healthy child than to help a damaged adult? something like that? well that’s me.

The fucking universe i had around me as a child was much too fragile and happened so harsh and so quickly that i didn’t know what i could do to change it. I protected my little brother the best that i could… and to a point myself. but there comes a time when survival kicks in and you become like an abused dog. you stay because you have nowhere else to go. you don’t know who to go to for help. or how to help yourself… so you… stay.

i would also like to add that raising a healthy child only goes so far…. so long as you have singular guardianship (i mean when you aren’t hordes and hordes of foster parents and three failed adoptions- i mean one singular set (or even a single parent)). Because foster families in themselves are temporary. but different things happen in different places. sometimes they are good, sometimes they are bad. sometimes they abuse you, sometimes they don’t. mixed messages gets nobody anywhere. Fast.

 

i have been having nightmares and insomnia a lot lately, and worry i might have undiagnosed bipolar or borderline personality disorders. i have no motivation for any thing and all of my creations have come to a standstill as i sit  around and watch the hours tick painfully by.

i have had thoughts of self injury and mutilation (not necessarily suicide, and no plans of it)… self harm releases endorphins which makes us feel better. but it is extremely harmful in the long run. it’s not healthy. just like running to alcohol or drugs (mary jane, aside). And it is HARD to battled the demons without those crutches… without that ARMOR.

i figure eventually i will get better…. but i know i will never be completely fixed.

 

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Nearly everybody knows that you can’t technically replace the people who have been in and out of our lives. it’s pretty impossible, since everybody is so different.

So, after the breakup with the ex, i never once thought to ‘replace him’. What i thought about instead, was how i could replace the home, the cars, the gaming systems…. how could i get back to the place that i was when i was with him? what could i do to ensure my stability to that end?

there were people in and out of my life at the time that could give me those things, but never once did i think about if i loved them or if they loved me. perhaps it could come in time. but… in this, they were looking for fun. sex. no strings attached. no replacements there.

i was ok with that, but what bothers me now, is why i never wanted to have the love that i thought i had lost. did i think it was impossible? was i too scared of being hurt? why was i being so materialistic when i have never really been materialistic in my life?

then my bf came along… he never promised me cars or a house… but he pursued me…. he lusted after me. he wanted me. even in our first months of pseudo dating, he knew he wanted to be with me.

and while it’s true that he may never be able to ‘replace’ my ex, he’s definitely made a great addition to my life, and has been a better man than my ex ever could have hoped to be.

 

 

*note…. i am not using the term ‘replace’ in a negative way. i am only saying that people cannot be replaced like material possessions can be- you can’t just go to the store and get another nearly exactly like it.  in our lives, we do no strive to replace the awful people with exact replicas (at least we shouldn’t- i know i am guilty of this with the father thing)… we want to ‘replace’ with something better…. it is also to be noted that sometimes there are no replacements at all, and that’s ok.

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Therapy today went well. I used to have a standing appointment on wednesdays, because i liked the predictability of it. Nowadays, I take what I can get- i hide from therapy, and only make an appointment when i really feel the need-

For example- how you know whose face and voice just shows up in my head whenever he wants. compelling me to be aroused and/or touch myself. wanna talk about sick? that’s sick. (not as sick as him, surely). she told me that was incredibly normal, because at that stage in my life, i was becoming naturally sexually curious (as well as the curious of a probably already sexually abused girl) so i was, biologically, turned on.

like a long-acting, long-release poison pill. it got inside my brain and my body and twisted me up.  it made me so fearful of the idea of children that the guy and i tried for about two months, then quit. (you might have followed the “i might be pregnant” dilemma). i want them, but i don’t want them to suffer. and to be in this life is to suffer, horribly.granted, i am speaking from a malnourished perspective. i just think about all the predators that are undoubtedly out there, and no matter how well i try to prepare my kids, it can still happen to them. they can get raped, kidnapped, killed…. that’s not just ‘criminal minds’ talking. that’s reality. not to mention that i don’t want to be that mom who turns into super overprotective bitch mode when she sees her daughter hugging a man she likes/loves. platonically. fatherly.

the one who starts blaming the child for her very natural behavior. “Get away from him you little slut!” accusing that she is leading him on.

i don’t want to be that, but i desperately want to protect her. i don’t know how to do that; i didn’t ask to be born into this life, and he/she won’t have either.

it’s little consolation to know that her life would be better than mine, because it feels the risks are too risky.

on another note, as dr b is prone to do, i was more validated today. not that the guy doesn’t validate me, but let’s face it, he’s a bit of a smart ass and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he is joking or not.

dr b told me that something in me, in my life and childhood, made me decide that i wanted to fight. to be a survivor, and to make sure i was not the cause of anybody else’s pain; at least the kind of pain i suffered. I’m usually quick to apologize if i am being bitchy or if i play-slap too hard. i try not to condescend, but i know we are all guilty of that. i try not to use people, or abuse their presence in my life.

she even said how when i first started coming to see her, she was amazed at how much of a “phenomenon” i was. because of my background, statistically speaking, i should have ended up in a gutter. Drugs, alcohol, rape, prostitution…. killing.

and that, apparently, really surprised her. that’s kinda my shining moment of the day.

last thing….

i have been noticing, that there seems to be a bit of a trend on facebook to only validate and appreciate positive things in a person’s life/statuses.

everybody wants to support my losing weight, or lowering my blood sugar, but who is there when i am throwing up randomly at 5am? (other than bf). nobody. nobody even told me they hoped i feel better, or asked what was wrong (not that i knew).

so what’s the deal with that?

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Pregnancy, marriage, love.

 

i’m still not entirely sure about any of these things… we are trying for pregnancy even though i have plenty of doubts and worry about it; i suppose most people do. most people don’t go through what i have been through though. and not only that, there’s the question of the rejection and disappointment if i can’t get preggy for whatever reason. plus, the fiance doesn’t want to adopt… we have both had bad experiences with it. i think he wants to avoid any trouble. idk… im ok with adopting. and i keep having dreams of babies… i have reason to believe i’m pregnant already, but who the fuck knows. seems like my body is just doing what it wants to do anyway.

we have had to put off the wedding, due to worry of disability benefits lowering, or disappearing altogether.

as for love… there is absolutely no question in my mind that i love him. and would love our children or our pets…. but… is there supposed to be more that i am feeling? more that i am supposed to want? it seems like, in comparison to some other people/couples, that me and him are not in love the way we are supposed to be? or is that the beauty of love? that you can love the way you want to? maybe our love isn’t their love…. maybe they just love differently.

 

i don’t know. maybe it just doesn’t matter, period.  maybe life is a progression, slow or not…. it happens and rolls out the way it’s supposed to.

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most people never think of the implications or repercussions of having children.

they assume the child will be the future, possibly living their own dreams vicariously through them…. overbearing, overprotective, over-everything.

they never think about the bad things… only the good. how proud they will be when the child learns to eat, drink, potty, think, walk… etc… all on their own.

they may think “well, what if i do the wrong thing…” but… what about this? do they think about what could happen to the child out in the world? who might hurt them, or take them, kill them, molest them?

do they think about the fact that their own upbringing and childho0od has an effect on the way they raise their kids?

this is what i fear, and i feel it is valid. i would not abuse my own child or hurt them the way i was, or even abandon them. of this i am sure. fairly sure. but i worry that the way i raise them will have such a huge effect, maybe affect, on them. maybe seeing mommy flying into panic attacks and having black out rages and emotional break downs, makes them weak, or hate me. maybe my thoughts of being over protective will cause them to resent me, or kill me… (i’ve been watching some serial killer shit lately, forgive me)… i mean, how do i know that what i do (or don’t do) won’t send them spiraling down the very path I try to prevent?

how do i know that i really truly can overcome my own issues and abuse in order to become a good parent? will i end up like those who raised me? by this i mean all the people. the abusive foster and adoptive families… the biological family who has abandoned and neglected me because it was too hard…. how do i know for SURE, for 100% CERTAIN, that i won’t just up and leave when it gets too hard?

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quite some time, i would imagine.

well…. i suppose you know there’s a new damn roommate in the picture. in case you need to catch up, though, she was being kicked out of the ‘apartment’ off the back of our house, and was given only 10 days to vacate. the fiance and i, being the good people we are, said she could have our couch for a few days until she got her shit together. well, a few days turned into her moving in, with the promise that she would be out by october, no later, and to not worry about our night-time rituals (hanging out, drinking, smoking, whatever), because her daughter would only be here twice a week, and she had earplugs….. october came and went, and she said, “oh it will be just a little longer.”

fine… whatever… none of the rest of us are heartless, you know this.

well, now it’s november (practically december) and she’s still here. she’s still not taking care of her shit, her daughter is here at least four times a week now, waking up early and running around the house screaming…. the little twerp doesn’t even know how to wipe herself though her mom claims she’s potty trained. know how i know this? me and the fiance (and the others, a few times, other than her mom) have been woken up by her screaming, at the top of her lungs, “Mommmy!!! MommY!!!!! MOMMYYY! I MADE POOPY!!”

she has walked into peoples bedrooms, and into the bathroom without knocking… and, yes, i admit, the poor girl has nightmares, but she is up late much of the time, squealing and screaming. the other night, i heard her whimpering and whining, “no, mommy… why mommy! what are you doing mommy!” which of course sets me off, which triggers me to ask on facebook for advice (a very VAGUE QUESTION). the mom got paranoid and asked me about it, so without giving her too many details, i apologized and told her i was just concerned, and if she could clear it up for me that would be great.

she cleared it up for me then demanded i remove the post. Of course i don’t remove it. a) it’s my goddamn page, b)i am only friends with one person on fb that she is, that might even remotely read into it, c)i didn’t even name names (which i wouldn’t do anyway). it’s my post, if i want it on my page, i have that right. otherwise, un-friend me. get out off my page, out of my life, pack your bags… whatever it takes for you to feel comfortable. if you don’t like it, that’s your problem, not mine. I’m tired of stepping on eggshells. I feel i have been more than understanding and generous with my time and patience.

dishes were in the sink (both sides) for at least a month… she leaves shit all over the stove, she takes over any and all open space on shelves, in the fridge, the freezer…. and then complains it’s not enough room. The good roommate and i have both attempted to remedy this, but to no avail. this chick is like an evil, manipulative little sponge.

and half the time i like her, i think she’s a cool chick and i’m sympathetic to her and her daughter. but there is a line. she crossed the line at least three times this week.

once with the dishes, and twice with her daughter… she fucks her boyfriend and smokes pot in her room while the kid is in there with her, she drugs the kid so the kid will sleep. the little girl said, while the two were getting busy  and moaning, “I know what you’re doing to mommy, daddy.”

it’s disgusting.

Not only that, but the damn girl is wanted for FTA or some shit… the law is looking for her, and I’m trying to be understanding but one of these days i *will* call on her.

there have been a number of times where she has bitched about being in the shower when she comes home from work, since we should automatically know when she will be getting home and when she will want to take said shower (though she spends at least an hour in there every day, and leaves her child in the bath unattended). She tries to make sure we’re all quiet in the house so that she and her daughter can sleep, though they do not return the favor. I changed my entire night-time routine for this bitch… because i didn’t want to be a nuisance. what the FUCK.

so… yet another one we have turned against us. somehow. i guess expecting people to return the respect we give them is too much. At least the good roommate is working out well.

 

on the other hand, i am trying to determine whether or not i want a baby, and the fiance wants one, which is fine. i have been doing a lot of thinking about it, and we have decided to try, once i get my iud out. however, once i announced this, the sister who could basically care less about me any other time (she still hasn’t congratulated me on my engagement, still won’t answer my drunk texts), decides to message me and say some shit about how i shouldn’t have a baby, because i’d be picking up a loaded shotgun. not because of my mental health, mind you, but apparently because i’m a big fat whale who would die if i had one.

on one hand, i see the point, but on the other, shouldn’t she be trying to help? not only that, but i have lost fifty lbs since january. so fuck you, sister.

last thing is something that happened last week…. my fiance was out of town for the night, looking for a new car (our friend from jail is out now and picked almost right back up where he was before finding and flipping cars), and they found one. now… there was still work to do, so he stayed through the next day. the morning of that day, i was surfing facebook, and found something i thought might be inspiring… it was actually depressing. It was about rape victims who were holding signs of the things their rapists said to them…. many of the them hit close to home, and made me sad, but the real shock came when i read a sign that said, “You have no idea what you do to me.”

now this phrase, upon reading it, threw me.

i had heard it before, and completely blocked it from my memory. when i read it, i immediately had a flashback and began to cry. i was upset to the point of trying to overeat (i’ve been doing well), and cutting myself. during that time, i kept myself from doing either, but went back over all the memories i have of telling people what happened to me.

that phrase was something i’d never told anybody about, because, apparently, it was so traumatic and painful…. i don’t even know how i could have forgotten that.

i still can’t understand why it wasn’t anywhere in my databanks when i was telling the police, and the therapists and the court. how could something be so… scarring?

i wanted to die.

i still haven’t been able to talk to the fiance about it, although he and the good roomy helped me through it without knowing too many details. so this is the first time he is hearing about it, and i suppose the best… considering if i were to utter the words, i actually *would* die.

 

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i love that people have these mother’s/father’s day sentiments, but i’m definitely very jaded and bitter about these days. why should i celebrate people who were never there and left in the most crucial moments of my life?

yes, i say i have closure over my mother, and care no more about finding my father, but… i think i’m really just lying to myself.

not only that, but every mother and father i’ve had since them, have been serious let downs. grooming, abusing and trying to fuck me? not to mention the Bitchies who were masters of manipulation.

so do i wish mothers and fathers out there a happy day? you bet.

do i feel left out because i have neither, and am not a mother myself? yep.

will i ever feel complete?

time will tell.

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