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Archive for the ‘Good Days’ Category

We have been in Washington about 5-6 months, now. I have to say, I regret very little.

Three main reasons for the move:

It was time. Better job opportunities. Access to safe and legal weed, both rec and medicinal. Bonus, healthcare is better for me out here.

I must list some of the benefits I have seen since being able to smoke on a regular basis:

Because it is milder, we have our windows open at all times, but that’s really just a health benefit in general.

I can stay out in public longer- my limit used to be three hours.

I have an interest in going out more often, even thinking a little more in depth about the future; maybe a job at some point.

I have a fantastic sense of motivation, even if I don’t necessarily have the energy.

I feel my thoughts for my writing come more fluidly.For example, I can write several chapters in a day now. I don’t feel I have to try as hard.

Pain relief.

It’s helping me control my hunger, and to be more patient with myself.

I am listening to music regularly again. Many songs used to give me panic attacks, even ones I loved.

Less panic attacks.

So, do I believe in legalization? Absolutely.

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I have been obsessed with ‘Paint’ recently and have been toying with some projects. Here is a little something i made to help empower myself, and others.

 

PTSD Depression (large)

 

(it is legible upon clicking)

 

 

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Nearly everybody knows that you can’t technically replace the people who have been in and out of our lives. it’s pretty impossible, since everybody is so different.

So, after the breakup with the ex, i never once thought to ‘replace him’. What i thought about instead, was how i could replace the home, the cars, the gaming systems…. how could i get back to the place that i was when i was with him? what could i do to ensure my stability to that end?

there were people in and out of my life at the time that could give me those things, but never once did i think about if i loved them or if they loved me. perhaps it could come in time. but… in this, they were looking for fun. sex. no strings attached. no replacements there.

i was ok with that, but what bothers me now, is why i never wanted to have the love that i thought i had lost. did i think it was impossible? was i too scared of being hurt? why was i being so materialistic when i have never really been materialistic in my life?

then my bf came along… he never promised me cars or a house… but he pursued me…. he lusted after me. he wanted me. even in our first months of pseudo dating, he knew he wanted to be with me.

and while it’s true that he may never be able to ‘replace’ my ex, he’s definitely made a great addition to my life, and has been a better man than my ex ever could have hoped to be.

 

 

*note…. i am not using the term ‘replace’ in a negative way. i am only saying that people cannot be replaced like material possessions can be- you can’t just go to the store and get another nearly exactly like it.  in our lives, we do no strive to replace the awful people with exact replicas (at least we shouldn’t- i know i am guilty of this with the father thing)… we want to ‘replace’ with something better…. it is also to be noted that sometimes there are no replacements at all, and that’s ok.

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Therapy today went well. I used to have a standing appointment on wednesdays, because i liked the predictability of it. Nowadays, I take what I can get- i hide from therapy, and only make an appointment when i really feel the need-

For example- how you know whose face and voice just shows up in my head whenever he wants. compelling me to be aroused and/or touch myself. wanna talk about sick? that’s sick. (not as sick as him, surely). she told me that was incredibly normal, because at that stage in my life, i was becoming naturally sexually curious (as well as the curious of a probably already sexually abused girl) so i was, biologically, turned on.

like a long-acting, long-release poison pill. it got inside my brain and my body and twisted me up.  it made me so fearful of the idea of children that the guy and i tried for about two months, then quit. (you might have followed the “i might be pregnant” dilemma). i want them, but i don’t want them to suffer. and to be in this life is to suffer, horribly.granted, i am speaking from a malnourished perspective. i just think about all the predators that are undoubtedly out there, and no matter how well i try to prepare my kids, it can still happen to them. they can get raped, kidnapped, killed…. that’s not just ‘criminal minds’ talking. that’s reality. not to mention that i don’t want to be that mom who turns into super overprotective bitch mode when she sees her daughter hugging a man she likes/loves. platonically. fatherly.

the one who starts blaming the child for her very natural behavior. “Get away from him you little slut!” accusing that she is leading him on.

i don’t want to be that, but i desperately want to protect her. i don’t know how to do that; i didn’t ask to be born into this life, and he/she won’t have either.

it’s little consolation to know that her life would be better than mine, because it feels the risks are too risky.

on another note, as dr b is prone to do, i was more validated today. not that the guy doesn’t validate me, but let’s face it, he’s a bit of a smart ass and sometimes it’s hard to tell if he is joking or not.

dr b told me that something in me, in my life and childhood, made me decide that i wanted to fight. to be a survivor, and to make sure i was not the cause of anybody else’s pain; at least the kind of pain i suffered. I’m usually quick to apologize if i am being bitchy or if i play-slap too hard. i try not to condescend, but i know we are all guilty of that. i try not to use people, or abuse their presence in my life.

she even said how when i first started coming to see her, she was amazed at how much of a “phenomenon” i was. because of my background, statistically speaking, i should have ended up in a gutter. Drugs, alcohol, rape, prostitution…. killing.

and that, apparently, really surprised her. that’s kinda my shining moment of the day.

last thing….

i have been noticing, that there seems to be a bit of a trend on facebook to only validate and appreciate positive things in a person’s life/statuses.

everybody wants to support my losing weight, or lowering my blood sugar, but who is there when i am throwing up randomly at 5am? (other than bf). nobody. nobody even told me they hoped i feel better, or asked what was wrong (not that i knew).

so what’s the deal with that?

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Finally!

I finally got a doctor (fnp, pa, whatever she is) to listen to me!

it took a few frustrating doctor’s (including one to obgyn) visits and phone calls to achieve this, but it finally happened. my normal provider at fam doc was unavailable for the day, so i saw one of his colleagues instead, a woman. women tend to listen to and understand other women very well. not that my normal guy doesn’t… in fact, i hold a lot of respect for him.

but while most of the visits with the other docs continuously focused on my type 2 diabetes/sugar levels, and spots on my arms (i kid you not, the obgyn wouldn’t shut up about it long enough to give a shit about what i was saying), this doc paid attention long enough to be concerned, and even a little excited, for me. i got the feeling that she might not necessarily believe i am pregnant either, but at least she is ordering an ultrasound (something the obgyn SHOULD have done) to rule out fibroids/cysts…. and/or pregnancy.

Thank goodness for women who listen to and understand other women.

 

but seriously…. don’t become a doctor/specialist unless you intend to listen to your patients. they know what is happening with themselves more than you do, just by a precursory exam.

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so i suppose it’s official. i got a ring! well, it’s a $10 walmart placeholder, but still. should be getting the “real” one in a few weeks.

and you might think my so-called family would be excited and supportive of me. well, she/they aren’t. neither my sister nor my brother made any comment to me about it. i posted it on facebook… so even if i WAs talking to my sister right now, she could have said something. but she didn’t. neither one of them.

and, recently i posted a really cute photo online, which i HARDLY ever do…. nothing.

even my BF liked the photo…

not to mention the fact that i drunk texted my sister wednesday night, saying some shit about how i didn’t understand how she thinks i hate her cause i don’t and i never would and how i would always love her, blahblahblah….  no response from that either.

now i wish i had had the balls to point out how “at least i make the effort”.

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this time i’m at least partly happy about it. it’s a friend from high school- we’d lost touch over the years but got back in true contact a few years ago and about 4-5 months ago started hanging out again.

she’s going through an uncomfortable situation with her current house-mate, and needs a place to escape. so we set her up with our landlord and we’re hoping it should be no problem if she moves in. I’m thinking it won’t be, because he met her yesterday and already there’s a bed in the third bedroom.

we may, unfortunately, have to pay $100 more, just for having four people in the house. but the landlord said he would fight for no rent raise, and is even bending the rules so she can have her little cat here with us.

she’s a hair dresser so we’re learning lots of new things about hair care, and it’s kinda cool to see how she’s grown and changed since our teens.

it’s gonna sorta suck not having all my time to myself (and the bf when he isn’t working) anymore, and i’m gonna miss midnight runs/snacks from walmart…

but it’s going to help us save money, and possibly (in the long run) set up a booth at the fairgrounds or flea market to sell some of my books.

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