time to rant-

i have learned to accept that any day that i am not ranting or bitching or talking on this blog means that i haven’t got much to complain about.

Either that, or i’ve decided to internalize it all.

Maybe both.

Anyway- i was doing some ranting on facebook earlier… sooooo…. here’s the beginning of it.

so. for those people who say that “i work hard, i should be the only one with rights” (artistic license here) are they also saying that there is no room in this world for the mentally/physically handicapped/impaired in this world, or old people, or those with mental/physical illnesses? while i may agree that there are some jobs for some of these people, there are not jobs for all of them. there need to be more jobs that can adapt to a person’s needs, skill and/or patience level… and don’t you dare tell me minimum wage is good for that… cause min. wage jobs usually make these things worse, not to mention needing to work more that 70hrs a week just to make ends meet. there are people in this country with two min wage pay that still can’t make ends meet… know why? cause most of these fucking jobs won’t give their employees the hours they need.

anyway, my point is… stop freakin judging. yes, i have the power to judge you, but only because i know the other side of the argument. and if i were in your shoes, and i could do something about it.. to even *attempt* to fix it… i would.

when it comes down to it… inflation happens and creates poverty. if you don’t want poor people who have no choice but to rely on the government (rather, our own money- we all pay into ssi and disability for these reasons) in order to survive, as opposed to living in the streets… then stop creating circumstances and situations in which poverty thrives.

and hell, while i’m on the ranting soapbox-bandwagon, i might as well mention that i just glanced over an article (by Gawker) that mentioned how Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation gave only $5,000 of it’s $2.1 million to charity, and that her charity is basically a run at vanity.

a) isn’t that more than a lot of people give or are able to give? shouldn’t we take what we can get?

b)charities are nothing but a run at vanity anyway. at least when it comes to celebs… very rare does it happen that a celeb really MEANS it… (bon jovi, keanu reeves… to name a few). it’s almost always about publicity, especially when it comes to political celebrities (politicians)

c) yes, she used the other money for other things… but, ahem… doesn’t unicef and goodwill and that other thing where you’re supposed to be able to sponsor a child in some far off country who has nothing but the owners of said sponsor program take almost .90 to the dollar? i mean… really.

Those were the facebook rants. Here’s a rant all on its own.

my sister.. the wonderful person that she is… had decided that i am a source of her negativity. yeah, i admit i have shit going on and i guess i get a little dwelly and depressed, and god forbid i talk to anybody but my fucking therapist about it.

Anyway… that’s all i really wanted from my sister. is somebody to talk to and get advice from. if i had problems with the bf/fiance, all i wanted to do was talk to her about it. i wanted us to have a sister/sister relationship. i was tired of her being on a pedestal. i was tired of the hero worship that was going on… she’s a real person, still worthy of the pedestal because of what she did for me in the past… but the present? and the future? now that i’m older, i realize this realness.

it happens. it’s  just like meeting your heroes in real life. that’s why people don’t recommend it. know why? because you realize your hero isn’t a hero at all, just a flesh and blood person like you are. they make mistakes, they do stupid, mean, thoughtless and heartless things.

my sister has this tendency to play the victim, and she plays it well. if there is no strife in her life, she creates it. she makes her own drama. and while i have a tendency to talk smack (apparently I’m a ‘hollaback girl’), that’s all it is. that’s me venting about shit, people, and the world in general. very rarely do i take it outside of that.

i admit my wrongdoings, i know when things are off inside myself and try hard to apologize for it. i try to make sure people are happy, or understand what i am saying or feeling. i try to accept the way others are feeling as well… but only if i know how they are feeling. if i don’t know, i can’t be adaptive or accepting. no compromises when you don’t know anything.

i might have mentioned in the last few posts something about how my sister threw it in my face that i never wanted to hang out with her. a) my door (physical and metaphorical) was always open. she only had to knock, or walk through it. b)i asked her to hang out, or to have dinner… i always got stood up or pushed aside. c) she always got fucking drunk with the bitch roommate (who she is now, to my knowledge, living with and prolly fucking- sorry, that’s supposition).

yet, when the bitch roommate told my sister how i was always partying, she told me it was my fault for not wanting to hang out with her. um… no… it has more to do with me wanting to be around and hang out with people who wanted to be around and hang out with me. but my sister would never listen to that, no matter what.

she stood up for the bitch time and again, and i never heard about how she tried to stand up for me nor do i remember her being there for me through surgeries (minor as they were) or health concerns. when i saw she was having a hard time, i at least attempted to be there for her. it’s not my fault if she ignores it, right?

and on that, when something that i thought might be her tax information came in the mail, i texted her about it, and asked her what to do with it. never got an answer. on her birthday? fuck that i told her a happy birthday. when i thought she was going through a breakup/hard time… think she answered me when i told her i was there for her and i loved her? nope.

so when i was drunk the other night, i drunk texted her asking why she didn’t love me or give a damn about me anymore. she said she still did, she just doesn’t know what i want or need from her right now… that our lives are on “divergent paths”. ummm you’re my sister, i want you to be my fucking sister. i want you to make a goddamn effort.

i want you to give a damn and believe me when i say i’m ill or that i’m not guilty of these things people that don’t know me are saying about me… yet you’re sitting there siding with and living with them. i told her, fine, maybe we are on different paths, at least i know now, and i will leave her be. but how am i supposed to react when i don’t want to bother her while she’s trying to accomplish whatever it is with her life… which actually sounds harsher than it’s meant.

and she took it as an insult. i read and re-read what i had written and failed to see where an insult might have been taken. i couldn’t find it and told her so. then she says “i can’t believe you can’t see it… you’re so flippant about the way you said it….” ummm prolly cause i didn’t mean anything i said as an insult. maybe things were a little stabby like when i said… “ok, i get it, you don’t have time to be saddled with my shit as well as your own, i understand…” but… insulting? no. that’s not who i am. and if she thinks it is, then she doesn’t know me as well as she thinks she does.

well… i take it back, sometimes i can get a little insulting, but usually only when i’m pushed to the very edge and feel cornered.

soooo anyway… she also said that i was being disrespectful (something Mrs Bitchie accused me of CONSTANTLY) because i was sending her soooo many text messages at three in the morning when she’s trying to sleep to get up early the next day. Okayyyy yes, it was about 3 am, but it was one message. i remembered she liked her phone silent, so figured she would get back to me when she could, if at all. and once she started messaging me, what was i gonna do, ignore her? no… my name isn’t hers (although i am seriously thinking about losing her number and blocking her on facebook… why open myself up to injurious salted wounds?).

so i told her that, she left it be. i told her about the mail thing… she acted like she never got a message from me. so i repeated it, and she still never told me what to do with it. i then told her, around 8:30ish, that i knew she didn’t like fuckin with her phone/texts while at work and that we could pick it up later, and to try to have a good day cause i hadn’t been trying to spoil it… never a response.

so it’s not really my fault if she’s the one who is insulted or angry with me. yeah, i was a little stabby … but really?

she kept stabbing at me and turning it around on me… she’s the one who turned something completely innocent into an insult and refused to believe me when i said it WASN’T an insult. if she wanted to say i was insulting to her, she needs to say what it is the fuck i said that was so insulting so that i could apologize (if i felt the need to)…. she always has a way of making people think they have to apologize or that they have wronged her when she’s the one at fault.

that’s another thing. she’s completely written me and our brother off…. i get it, she reunited with the family that took her in in high school… but even when i had been adopted i NEVER did that. even with the Bitchies, i didn’t do that. i stood up for her and supported her when she said she was a lesbian… when she said she wasnt…. when she wanted to move back to nc… i was there for her for the things she could use me for. once i was of little to no use to her, she said goodbye, and that was it.

and… if you claim to love and believe in me… fucking act like it.

and anyway, enough about my sister. sometimes even the good roommate has her bad moments, but she is still abetter roommate than my sister or the bitch roommate(s)… the last girl moved out too, finally (she took food, never bought tp, always complained, never did HER dishes… (nobody else’s, either).

but the good roommate always expects me to be there for her with her shit… but when i need someone, she’s rarely available. one morning that i TRULY ABSOLUTELY needed her, she was though. she woke up for me. but she will bitch and vent and complain on me, on texting and i am supposed to be there… but when i do it, or need it? no advice for me. no love. usually it’s well, talk to your therapist.

anyway…. i suppose that’s it for now…. i guess i had a lot to get off my chest.

 

 

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