so much.

so much has happened in the last few weeks, i’ve just been trying to wrap my head around it!!

emotionally and mentally, i suppose i am ok. it’s been wonderful having my sister around again, just like when we were kids. sometimes though, it feels like she’s a know it all. i know she’s very intelligent, but when she corrects me about things, i get the feeling she’s saying “oh, it’s so cute when you open  your mouth to try and talk!”

she’s never really disdainful or… snotty about it, it’s just the way i perceive it, i suppose.

i tend to feel like i’m being attacked at all angles at times… just a sensitive kid. i hate being creative…. (who am i kidding, no i don’t!) cause it makes me more sensitive and more emotional and shy than most normal people. that’s not to say there aren’t others like me that do have that creative streak. statistics, ya know?

i just want to stick to my writing and continue hiding in my cave, and, on occasion, in the walls. is that so much to ask?

she decided to stay here for a week, in the hotel, which is great. she’s right down the halL! it’s like a kid running through a mansion going to see her!

we sorta hope she stays for longer though. unfortunately, it’s just a huge drain on her money, and we understand that. so… we just have to sorta make the best of it for now.

yesterday was the 12th anniversary of our mother’s death. we were gonna go and see her grave, but i chickened out-  i was scared. it was going to make it more real… we each still honor her, in one way or another most days in our lives… but yesterday i was more scared, more sad. i did write a poem, and it helped. a little. then we got blasted, and that was sooo fun.

it also came out that our uncle molested her.

something she said she thought the entire family knew.

except for me.

my favorite uncle. of course, however, i believe her. she said he was about 12 when it happened? and the family said… “oh, it happened to him, so he did it to you…” that bullshit. and it disgusts me. she tells me she moved on from it long ago- that she forgave him, in her way, and chose to have him be a part of her life, and that he grew into a good man, and never did it to anybody else. but… i don’t know. i can’t help but feel disgust in my heart and the back of my throat for him. i can’t help but want him to die a little. granted, he’s been “dying” for more than 10 years from a thing called “neurofibromatosis”, something where tumors attach themselves to your nerve endings.

good. i’m glad, now, that he’s suffering.

i used to feel bad, but not anymore.

i know he was 12 when it happened, but… i can’t forgive as easily as she has. she said she doesn’t think what he did is any less deplorable… i feel, in a way she’s identifying with him, the abuser. the family was close, growing up. our grandmother being latina, and you know how the latins are about family!

he apparently got the shit beaten outta him…

i trust she did what was best for her. i told her the same, in terms of the abuse we suffered when we were younger, the abuse she told me was so bad that she wouldn’t even tell me about until one day when we’re older… i told her i trust her to tell me in her own time, when she feels is right. that i don’t push the issue, that i know she always wants to protect me, and even though i know i need to know about it, it hurts hertoo much to even think about it.

i only want what’s best for her, and i want her to be happy. i love to see her smile, even if she IS hiding pain on the inside. if i can help her smile, to help her cope with that pain, and that’s all i can do? i’m gonna fuckin do it.

 

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