New contemplations

It’s been quite a while.
Maybe because i’ve been drinking to deal with my feelings instead of ‘journaling’…
Really is easy to say… “i do it just to take the edge off…”, “just to get through the day…”… just to get out of the room, out of the building…
Just to go to therapy, sometimes.
Dr. B got my childhood therapy records… it’s been hard, so far, and i’ve only seen a page or two!!
She said she’s never gotten a transfer of records so huge…if that tells you anything. If it doesn’t… at age 8/9, i was already classified in axis V.
Adjustment problems, abandonment, neglect as far back as the records would discuss…
Get the picture?
To say i was ever “well adjusted” would be a lie! That’s where the ‘flight to health’ and my pretending to be who i wasnt comes in…
Even if the records said i was ‘defiant’… i wasnt for long.
The shit i struggled to cope through crushed whatever spirit i had left!

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