He said, She said

Im getting so sick of this “he said, she said, they said” drama. the main reason i finally broke down and cut those ties that are so toxic, is because of it.

it’s juvenile! everybody can’t just say that “i didn’t say anything”; “i didn’t call them, they called me”; and have it be ok. somebody must be guilty… it’s only common sense!

the reason i bring this up… again… is because my bf told me that his mom had told him that my “parents” had told her that we aren’t going to last, and that staying in this hotel isn’t going to last…

well maybe not, god dammit, but keep your fucking opinions to yourself. leave it alone!

our relationship has as much of a chance of working out as theirs does- i mean, just because we’re struggling now, doesn’t mean we’ll never stop struggling! it’d be like if i’d told all 4 of our parents before, when they were going through hard times, that they would lose their houses and eachother.

there was a time that “mom” and “dad” were struggling with bills and unemployment and i never once said they wouldn’t make it… i bitched because they always went on vacation and galavanted around, and never came to visit me in canada because they said they didn’t have the money…. but i never once said their relationship wouldn’t last.

whatever.

it’s childish, and i’m slowly getting over it.

also,  need to find something else to call them, because i really don’t feel like they are my parents anymore. they never were, they were foster parents… meaning temporary guardians.

now that they have their real family, their own family, they don’t need me anymore. i was convenient for them, and that’s the way it is.

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Am i a bad listener or are they bad talkers?

I wonder about this a lot.

i don’t feel like i’m a bad listener at all… granted, i don’t always give advice, or even the best advice, but i do try.

i’ve noticed that people don’t really talk to me about things, about their feelings. i asked my boyfriend about this last night, and he said he doesn’t always feel it necessary to further stress me out, because apparently i stress easily.

is that why my ex felt the need to clam up around me? to tell everything to everyone else? and why the Bitchies, formally known as my “family”, don’t feel the need to talk to me about their extensive worries, choosing to go behind my back and my bf’s back to talk to his family, who then relay the message to him, who then relays the message to me.

but, god dammit… i know i stress easily, but i really deserve the chance to hear what people are thinking straight from their own mouths, don’t i?

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My cheerleaders

Rupert, Batty, Dr B, Sarah and my bf…

they have been my solid, number one support since the beginning, and i just want to take a few moments out to recognize them.

granted, not all of them read this, and two of them are fairly new stuffed animals, but the intention is the same, just as honorable.

so, thank you, to all my cheerleaders, even those who read my posts, and comment… thank you for your support and input.

i appreciate it all!

 

ps… it is important to mention my dearly departed pets, Serena and Cleo… as they were there with me since the beginning!

And cheer bear, who is the only remenant of my long, terrible past, having had her at least 22 years.

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Biological clock

My biological clock is ticking like a bomb about to go off-

there are too many factors though that prevent me from going out and getting pregnant… first of all, i wouldn’t just go out and get pregnant, i’d just ask my bf…. secondly i want to be married first, thirdly, i have way too many issues to raise a child… pets are much better right now.

i was watching the episode of [scrubs] the other day in which turkleton and carla find out they’re pregnant… it actually made me cry.

i want a child, but this is not a healthy environment to raise one in. with such an uncertain future… hell, it’s hard enough on us, and we’re adults. sorta.

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Cheerleading for the Unemployed

Being unemployed sucks, i know; i understand. It’s frustrating and, at times, unmotivational; especially when you’re getting nowhere and hitting a brick wall.

what i’m running into, though, is trying to motivate the unemployed, when i completely understand what he’s going through. i’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

but when you’re running short on funds, the pressure is really on.

maybe that’s a  part of why my ex hated me so much. because i couldn’t contribute anything and all the responsibilities fell to him. so maybe that’s what my current bf feels so overwhelmed… because he knows he will be the main breadwinner.

obviously, my ssi is not going to be enough for all of our bills, so he does need a job, it’s just a matter of finding one close by that he can walk to, because looking for a car is just as hard.

how can i cheerlead, when i feel just as hopeless as he does?

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