No sooner than when I posted the happy, good, squishy, feely post, did the shit starts to hit the fan. whatever can go wrong, will, and does…
as it turns out, my bf cannot get food stamps because he was already apparently on my card. I was informed that I could take him off of it, but I would have to a) deal with less money and b) send in a written request for his removal. My case worker was very clear on these two facts.
And, the second thing is mentioned in Angels? Yeah right.
Aside from that, I am having terrible panic attacks… worse than usual. Its because of the stress, im sure of it. But it’s also the not knowing… it’s the lack of stability, being jostled around.
I hate relying on other people, yet I can’t rely on myself until things are stable and until I have worked through all of my issues. Don’t get me wrong, I love taking care of others, the house, chores, animals… etc… but right now, what I need is a job, and I can’t work.
Being incapacitated with panic attacks is hard. And when I ask for help or say something about it, asking why I’m not getting help, I’m met with criticism and drama.
What im looking for is a long term miracle… not these couple month things, because I do need stability, first and foremost before I can get any better. Even if it’s a temporary miracle.. anything I can get to make this transition any easier. And I thought I had had that with my ex, but as you know, that didn’t pan out in my favor.
Things usually don’t. and this is where most people say “well, you’d think that would make you try harder to not be in that situation again” and while that is a valid argument for some people, it’s not for me. Not all people react to the same situations the same way.
My sister, for example, had it worse than I did, and she seems to be doing just fine… or in deep seeded denial. She’s always in a rdifferent relationship, at a different address. But she has a great work ethic. And I’m not even sure I would call it ethic as much as I would drive. She’s the type of person that you say, “You’d think you’d try harder…blahblahblah” and it would work.
I don’t know if I’m afraid of success or failure, or rejection, or all three, but I know that I start to literally shut down when it comes to real life. I’ve always been that way.
Looking back at my history, the most stable job I had was when I was living at “home”, and a teenager.
Sure DSS gives you the independent living test, but having the knowledge is much different from applying it. And applying yourself is a whole other issue altogether.
Everybody has something they fear, something that holds them back, but what is that something, that all-important something, that keeps them going where I fall stagnant?
I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought that suicide would be the best answer, that I didn’t feel like I’ve been nothing but a burden my entire life. But I do feel that the one thing that sets me apart from some of my fellow depressed-suicidal-freakmates, is that I keep trying; I keep fighting. I have yet to find out why, but there has to be a reason.
And while hope is impossible to find in a hermetically sealed room, I’m going to keep clawing my way out, broken nails and all.
Leave a Reply