as you may know, and as i know, obviously, life has been shit (see post title, hah!).
i must be a magnet for bad luck, really.
so i knew at the beginning-ish of the month that my ex is getting (re)married, and that he was going to have my phone cut off by the end of the month. well, 3/4 days left to go until the end of the month, and the phone is shut off.
bf found a psuedo job, doing work for one of our hosts, but our host keeps ditching and ducking him on payment, so no luck there-
i was really hoping to have some money to buy one of those pay-as-you-go phones, but because we’ve needed food and toiletries and gas and various other necessities, i can’t. so now i’m kicking myself for buying us things that we needed. even though i have food stamps, the food i buy is not the type that lasts long, and the reason for that is because i (and bf) have not felt like actually cooking a meal. i can’t go upstairs for too long most of the time; to go to the bathroom and that’s about it. additionally, when in a rut like we are, one does not generally care too much about some of their most basic needs.
you know how people say they have to choose between paying the electric bill or rent? well… at least they get the choice. unless i close out my bank account completely, i will be absolutely destitute. the thought had crossed my mind to apply for welfare, but i’m not sure if i will be able to get it. especially since bf doesn’t have any gas for the car, which also means i may not be able to see the therapist this week.
but the problem with welfare is that you have to be pregnant, have children, or be over 65. so yet again, screwed by the system.
and i get it, i really do. i understand that people at my age should be able to take care of themselves, with little or no help from anybody. but seriously- in this economy (i know, blahblah), and taking into account the situations that people are in, whether Disability Determination determines correctly or not, there should be a little more helping, a little less judging, a little less cheapskating…
and i know that there are organizations out there that will help. but you need lease agreements, or copies of electric bills, proof of address… not only that, they can help the same person only once or twice a year, and they have a limited amount of funds to go around.
bf applied for food stamps (i already have them) a few weeks ago and hasn’t yet gotten a response, but he can’t call them (at least on my phone) to check up on it. thankfully there is a phone here that will dial locally. he applied for unemployment as well, but unemployment apparently felt that being evicted from ones home, and alerting the workplace of certain hardships is not good enough to qualify.
like i said, i get it, i understand. people…businesses, the governments… want to save money… but at what cost?
how many people have gone homeless and become sick because of this? is this a new pandemic?
if, and only if, we get kicked out of this place, where will i go? i would likely try to convince him to move back in with his parents, and if he refuses, where would we go?
i have lost 2 friends since the eviction. neither of them have bothered talking to me or making sure im ok.
my sister and another of my friends would rather talk to one of my basement roomies and my bf instead of me- asking them how i am, telling them to tell me “hi”… is it really that horrible to talk to me? when things are going bad, i mean. am i worthy of only fairweather friends and family?
true that my highs are high and my lows are low, but it’s to be expected. and it frustrates me because people see it as drama, or as me not having my act together, and therefore tend to avoid me and relationships with me. only people rare enough to see past it, to understand what it means and why i am this way, stick beside me.
but even then i wonder… are they only strong enough to do so in the beginning? will that strength and understanding fade as time goes on? which then brings me back to the point i mentioned in a previous post, about being on other people’s timelines. they feel enough, or too much, time has passed and therefore i should be “over it”. but since im not, i must not be worth their time or trouble anymore.
people always say they want it to work out for me, and they hope for the best for me, but where are they in all of this? are they helping me? or watching and pitying from afar? generally speaking, it’s the latter.
i get all that, too. and i’ve been working on it. for years, i’ve struggled. but i apparently am not doing it quickly enough for them.
it’s amazing what we take for granted. things like food and comfort, gas in our cars… used to be a given; a fact of life. now, we, or at least i do, consider it a luxury. a luxury to have real food, with real nutritional value. my own kitchen. a bathroom that i can go to that’s on the same floor as i am, not 2 floors up. a bedroom that’s not chock-full of boxes upon boxes of stuff. a real bed.
im not sure many people understand the way that i feel, or how scary and disconcerting it is to be homeless and jobless with no apparent prospects. you know how Eminem raps about “going through the public housing system, and personal shit’s missing”? that’s how it is. though, as far as i can tell, we aren’t missing anything yet. but there’s someone else who lives here that’s a slick, oily lil bastard, and he knows it. everyone else knows it too, but it still seems that we tend to give him the benefit of the doubt, and believe that he does have some honor, at least amongst those he considers friends. but it’s still uncomfortable. things tend to go missing whenever he’s gone for days at a time, and then show up as soon as he gets home.
i also don’t feel 100% comfortable around him, but that just may be because i still don’t know him very well. we’ve been here a few months, but he’s been gone more than he’s been around. hard to get to know somebody in that case.
i would love nothing more than to have a home of my own again, even if it is section 8, or rent assisted… even if it were in the ghetto. it would be mine… and you know what they say: there’s no place like home.
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